death talk

This morning my sister Stacie and I were talking about death. She told a couple stories from clients of "healthy" people dying. I told about two sets of peers who have each lost a teenaged son. It's sobering, very very sobering. Stacie remarked, "You know, we're all terminal." And we are. It's good to remember.

I'm working on memorizing Psalm 16. It's a favorite of mine. I've noticed something recently for the first time that gave me pause and a smile. Psalm 16:9-10 "Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure because you will not abandon me to the grave, not will you let your Holy One see decay."

Two things I noticed for the first time. 1) I can have joy and gladness because death is not the end of the story. There is more to come and it's the best part. 2) I can have joy and gladness because of the resurrection of Jesus. It's a good season to meditate on that. Every morning as I read it, I inwardly rejoice.

This morning after my death conversation with Stacie I read Psalm 17:15, "When I awake, I will be fully satisfied, for I will see you face to face." Death and dying must be horribly frightening. But full satisfaction is on the other side of death when we get to meet our Savior face to face.

Does that make anyone else smile?

Favored, 2 Peter

2 Peter 1:2 “May God bless you with his special favor and wonderful peace as you come to know Jesus, our God and Lord, better and better.”

This verse reminds me of my days as a young mother. It seems God gave lots of spiritual “treats” back then when my faith was so new, formative, and I genuinely wanted to know him better. I’m so thankful for these memories – they were signs to me of God’s greatness and his “personal God” characteristics. Through those little treats He taught me that He cares for me personally.

I have a little game I play with the girls. When one of them does something that blesses me, I sometimes respond with a smile and a “you’re my favorite, you know.” Each child knows the game and knows she’s not really my favorite but they also know that whatever they just did pleased me. It’s a bit silly, but I play it often, nearly daily.

Back in my early days of following God, it seemed God played this game with me. It wasn’t that I had to do something special to feel favored; it’s that He did something and from that I felt like I was a favorite. Those times when I was so keenly aware of his presence set the foundation of a trusting relationship that still endures and is still growing.

This morning I read 2 Peter 1:16, “We have seen his majestic splendor with our own eyes,” and was reminded of one of those first experiences of my experiencing his “majestic splendor.” Stephanie was 2 or 3 years old. All the children I knew her age were no longer wetting the bed. Because I had wet the bed long past it being acceptable, I knew the shame and humiliation. I was terribly burdened for her. I didn’t want her to go through my experience. (Now I know wetting the bed at 2 or 3 isn’t terribly odd, but then I did not). I did everything I knew to help her, but she still wet the bed.

The time came when I started begging God for help. “Please, please, please help Steph not to wet the bed,” became my nightly prayer. Very soon after my whining and pleading started, I awoke one morning with a start. It was 2am and the alarm clock in the kitchen was going off. I stumbled groggily down the hall toward the annoying beep beep beep that was slicing through the night. In the kitchen I headed to the clock and in that second I realized for the first time since the beeping started that there was no alarm clock in the kitchen. At the exact moment I had that realization, the beeping stopped.

I stood there confused. Just as quickly as the “alarm” had started beeping I “heard” a passing thought. You asked me to help Stephanie not wet the bed. Here’s your help.
Pleased, so very very pleased, I went and woke little Stephanie and took her to the toilet where she peed her little heart out. I couldn’t stop smiling. God was right in the middle of the details of my life.

I tucked my sweet Stephanie back into bed and, hardly able to contain my excitement, went back to bed. I shook Kent a little to tell him that God had just woke me up to take Steph to the bathroom. He mumbled something like that’s nice and went back to his throaty breathing. At 2am I couldn’t think of anyone to share my story with. I rolled over and pulled the covers high. Unable to stop smiling, I just laid there thinking, “I’m His favorite.”

Dear Valerie,
Everything in your life is filtered through my loving fingers.
Love,
God

The Hard Work of Getting Along

Proverbs 20:6 “Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is really faithful?” (NLT)

Months ago a close friend hurt me. Through a couple of rash comments, she hinted that I was not good at something I loved and felt called to do.

I shared my hurt. I spoke at length and in bitter tones about her. After my gossipy rant I read Proverbs 20:6, “Who can find a faithful friend?” and felt convicted by the Holy Spirit. I love and care deeply for my friend. I recognized with clarity how I had been unfaithful to our friendship. I went to her and we made peace.

Healthy Christian community doesn’t just happen or come naturally. It requires overlooking insults (Proverbs 12:16), dropping the matter (Proverbs 17:14), letting God handle situations where I’ve been wronged (Proverbs 20:22), and keeping my mouth shut when I’d like to speak (Proverbs 21:23). There are times to speak up, reveal wrong, shed light, but I’ve found that most often my place is as pray-er, not corrector.

Thought to remember: Every relationship, good or bad, is an opportunity to glorify God and do his will.

Through the door

Revelation 3:20 To the church of Laodicea Jesus says, "I stand at the door and knock."

When my babies were small they would stand in their crib facing the door when their sleep was over. Sometimes they jabbered, sometimes whimpered, sometimes called Ma-Ma. What they said and did varied. But that they faced the bedroom door waiting for me never did. They waited, they expected me, they knew I would come through that door. When I did open that door and walk though a playful, happy-to-see-me smile lit their faces. That smile always brought a smile to me too.

When I go to my quiet place I like to remind myself that Jesus is just on the other side of the door. He's knocking and waiting to be invited to join me. When he joins me His Spirit immediately washes over me. Like my babies when I entered their room, comfort, joy, and security are mine when He joins me.

I don't know,... but I know

Romans 8:26 and 28 "And the Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don't know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray...We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

These verses are dear to me this morning. I don't know anything more to pray than what I pray over and over for my sweet daughter. She's making some choices that scare me. I see ugly flecks of rebellion and disobedience. I pray the the same things repeatedly. Some days I want a fresh insight, thinking new words may get my prayers answered.

Today these verses comfort me. Like verse 26 says, I don't know what to pray. Praise God though, he doesn't need the right words from me. When I don't have the words, the Holy Spirit knows the perfect words, the absolute needs of my daughter and He is praying powerfully on her behalf.

I see two things in this passage. I see a DON'T KNOW and a DO KNOW. I don't know what to pray sometimes. But I can always know that what is happening if going to work for our good; my good and my daughter's.

Today, a day that began with me tempted to worry and not knowing how to pray, has beautifully turned in to a day of giving thanks. My prayer of thanks is based on knowing that God is using every circumstance and event in my life and my daughter's life for our good. Amazingly, what is happening right now is part of a big plan for our good.

A Lesson From My Babies

"Remain in me and I will remain in you." John 15:4

Many times I've considered my enormous love for my children and been encouraged knowing my love for them is weak, pathetic, and puny compared to God's love for them. I've found no comfort greater than reminding myself that God loves my children more deeply than I can. His love is perfectly pure, never tainted with selfish motives.

I've used this Father-God attribute many times for comfort and strength. But in reading Oswald Chambers recently, I recognized a part of the same analogy that has eluded me. In the mother child relationship, Oswald Chambers illustrated how a child obsesses over his mother to point out how I, as a child of God, am to be obsessed by Father God. He wrote, "A child's awareness is so absorbed in his mother that although he is not consciously thinking of her, when a problem arises, the abiding relationship is that with the mother. In the same way, we are to live and move and have our being in God, (Acts 17:28), looking at everything in relation to Him."

As I read that my mind flooded with memories of my children demonstrating this. They were ever in tune with my movements and activities and not even conscious of it.

I recalled when Christopher was 15 months old, he went to his bedroom to play. Down the hall in the kitchen I began to slice a fresh loaf of bread. The sound brought him running down the hall to me. I can still see his sparkling eyes, his excited grin, his rotund little body filling out those puppy pajamas as he sped toward me as fast as his little legs would carry him. No matter that he was at the opposite end of our long ranch style house, he was in tune with what I was doing.

When a child is sick, tired, or hurt he comes to the arms of his mother for comfort and assurance. When he takes those first steps, rides his bike without training wheels, goes potty in the toilet, he awaits the applaud and cheers of Mom. He looks to his mother as if she has all the answers to every question: why is the sky blue?, why is the grass green?, why did Mr Smith die? A mother is everything to her young child.

Just as mothers are at the forefront of their babies' lives, God is my parent and I'm to forever have God in the forefront of my life and mind. In his mother's presence, a baby needn't worry about a thing. In God's presence, I needn't worry as I can give all my cares to Him. I think of a baby at his mother's breast. Surely there isn't a grander picture of contentment. This is the kind of contentment I want to emulate in my relationship with my Father. Security, peace, and trust - I gave those things to my babies, yet mine was human and fallible. I want to fall into the arms of my God and soak in the perfect infallible security, peace, and contentment he gives.

Today I think of the security I saw in my children as they rested safely in my arms and this time, instead of seeing the picture of parental love, I see a baby healthfully obsessed with his mother. I want to be obsessed with my Father God in that same way.

Spring is Here

Spring is in the air. Flower shoots are sprouting up and nature’s early risers (I’m not talking about my kids) are singing in the tree outside my bedroom window when I wake up in the morning. I love everything about spring: warmer temperatures, longer days, green grass, even spring-cleaning.

I especially love flowers! The ones that can be bought from a florist are beautiful, but the ones that grow in my own yard, I have a particular fondness for.

In early spring, I watch those flowerbeds with anticipation, just waiting for those first shoots that are like promises that say, “Yes, spring is coming.” They are little treasures to this girl who didn’t grow up in a land of such long winters.

This year as I’ve looked for specks of green shooting from the cold, brown dirt, I’ve experienced just a tiny bit of conviction. “Are you looking for treasures in My Word as diligently as you’re searching for those flower shoots? Do you get as excited about a new found truth in My Word as you do about a new found shoot?”

I am thankful for God’s reminder to me to “look longer and harder” in the Word of God to find a treasure, a shoot that could possibly become a lovely flower in my cold, dark heart.

God gave us flowers to give us delight and to delight Himself. Springtime is a time to delight in the newness we have in the world around us and the newness we have as Christians. Let’s rejoice! It’s spring

God's Directives for Troubled Relationships

I have a relationship that is badly damaged. Words have been said and actions done that have hurt both of us enormously. I've wondered over and over what to do. I've asked God to bring peace to the troubled relationship, to bring healing. To today, He hasn't. Not that today some thing tangible happened to change the situation. No, it is still the same. However I did get a directive. Since this is more than I've received thus far, I'm very excited.

As usual, in my praying I asked the oft repeated, God please heal this relationship.

My Scripture reading this morning was Luke 6. In verses 27-31, I read, "But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn the other cheek. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. Give what you have to anyone who asks you for it; and when things are taken away from you, don't try to get them back. Do for others as you would like them to do for you."

These verses are nothing new to me, but as I read them today, they seemed to jump from the page and immediately I knew God was speaking, God was leading. I read and re-read and sensed God was saying, lay aside your rights on this one. Be abused and don't retaliate, don't protect yourself. Turn the other cheek. When I'm reminded of the "slaps" I've already received, I'm tempted to run away from this relationship --hide and protect myself. But even the pagans do this as pointed out later in the same chapter. What is different about the people who follow God, is they pray for the abuser, they turn the other cheek, they give more than required of them, and when something is taken away, they don't ask for it back. When one wants to retaliate, a God-follower chooses instead to "Do for others as you'd like them to do for you."

In no way will this be easy. My prayers and my actions with respect to this relationship will be more proactive now. Instead of protecting myself, I know God expects me to lay down my rights, to offer up my emotions for whatever comes. My directive is to do to others what I want done to me. In this situation, I know a number of things this means -- and they all go against my natural inclination. God help me.

After some time percolating on these Scriptures this morning, I went back to read some more in the same chapter. The chapter ended with this verse. Luke 6:45, "Whatever is in your heart determines what you say." In this troubled relationship, I've got a lot a garbage in my heart.

So today, my prayer changes somewhat. I want my heart to be changed so that what comes out of my mouth will be good. I asked God to stuff my heart full with the truths from Luke 6:27-31: Love my enemies. Do good to those who hate me. Pray for the happiness of those who curse me. Pray for those who hurt me. When I'm slapped, don't run for protection. Stay engaged and willing to receive more slaps. When asked for something, give more than asked and don't try to get anything in return. And finally, the one that sums it all up succinctly, treat like I want to be treated.

Eating Habits and Spiritual Growth

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." John Piper.

Romans 12:2 "Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." This is my prayer in my "lifestyle change" pursuit. I'm asking God to transform me into a new person by changing the way I think with respect to food and physical activity.

I have an ongoing conviction, that generally speaking, I squash and repress trying desperately to ignore. Despite my grand efforts, it still pricks me. It's overeating and being overweight. Overeating and being overweight reveals a great deal about me.

1) I don't believe (or at least I don't live like I believe) that Jesus is enough. When I'm lonely, bored, depressed, or anxious, I don't go to God for comfort and peace. I go to food.

2) I'm not all that "green" after all. All my thoughts on materialism, consumerism, and consumption are really worthless since I don't practice them in something as rudimentary as my eating habits.

3) My concern for the hungry and poor is not as sincere as I like to think it is. I keep overeating, never mind that 15,000 starve to death every day.

Once again I tell God I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not caring for the hungry; for not caring about the earth enough to slow down my own consumption; for the messages I send my kids. But mostly, I'm sorry for living in a way that says He isn't enough to meet the needs of my frail emotions and physical cravings. I'm sorry for going to food when I ought to got to God.

My prayer today is that God would transform me by changing the way I think. I need him to help me deny myself the lesser good (food) for the greater good (intimacy with Him).

My food addiction is Satan's tool to distance me from God. He accomplishes this by seducing me to food to meet my needs rather than God. God offers to really sate my longings. Food is a counterfeit.

As sure as food addiction is Satan's tool, God can use it as a purifier. As I go to God when I'm weak and craving cookies, He will strengthen my weak resolve, satisfying me with something much grander than 30 minutes of chocolate ecstasy. He will use my weakness to show Himself strong.

This food addiction could actually be the means which God purifies my faith and draws me into deeper, more intimate relationship with Him.

Having thought about it, I think it's true. I always "preach" that trials are opportunities for spiritual growth. This is my invitation for growth and deeper communion with God.

2 Corinthians 1:9, "We learned not to rely on ourselves, but on God." If there's one thing I know, it's that I will fail in my own strength. Temptation will come and I'll bake a cake. But God!!! I will go to God.

John Piper writes that God's desire for us is "more contentment in God and less satisfaction in self and the world." I want that contentment that He gives and I want to quit going to food for contentment and satisfaction.

God help me.

A Torn Curtain

Exodus 26:33 "When the inner curtain is in place, put the Ark of the Covenant behind it. This curtain will separate the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place."

Matthew 27:51 At the moment of Jesus's death, "the curtain in the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom."

Hebrews 4:16 "So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it."

At Jesus's death, the curtain separating mortals from a Holy God was torn from top to bottom. In that moment, I was given complete, unobstructed access to God. Never again would a priest be needed to petition God on the behalf of his followers, and that includes me.

So with that, I go to Him boldly because he is my gracious God. There I receive His mercy and find His grace which I so badly need.

These thoughts are on my mind this morning. As I reflect on them, I smile. What an amazing privilege to petition the Maker of the universe boldly.

My Imprisonment, His Mercy

John MacArthur teaches reading the same passage in the Bible for one month to allow it to really sink into he spirit. I've been reading Romans for over a year. I know Romans is packed with good theology, yet most of it goes over my head. It seems the more I read it, the less I understand. I love verses that are clear and don't take so much thought to grasp: "Be kind," "help the poor," and so forth. Clear directives are so much easier than the book of Romans.

One thing I know is that God promises to bless me as I read Romans and even though it seems so out of my reach, I know it is going into my spirit and making a difference. It's one of those spiritual laws that I cannot understand. God's word always yields an increase.

Thankfully there are verses scattered through Romans that speak to me. This morning I read one such verse. Romans 11:32 "For God has imprisoned all people in their own disobedience so he could have mercy on everyone." What it spoke to me is his strength shows in my weakness. Because of my sin, I need a Savior. Because of my sickness, I need a Healer. Because of my great need, I need a Provider. Because of my spiritual need, I need an All Sufficient One. Because of my weakness I need a Strong One. Because of ME, everything about me, I need Him. He is everything I need.

Without all my faults and weaknesses, could I understand his grace and mercy? No. Jesus said in the gospels that he didn't come to save the healthy. Only the sick need a doctor. Because I am sick - spiritually diseased - I need a great Physician.

Because of his great mercy, one day all the chains of my bondage and imprisonment will permanently be broken. Until that day, I join the prophet Jeremiah who said in Lamentations, "Because of the Lord's great love I am not consumed. His mercies are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness."

Response to a Pagan

I work with a lady who is "pagan." By pagan, she means that she worships nature, woods, and the like. I've been wondering how to share my own beliefs in a way that would make sense to her and be of some value. This morning I was reading Philippians 2:1 and it seemed as though the light came on and I knew to approach the subject by talking experientially.

"Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and sympathetic?" These are the questions from Philippians 2:1. The answer in my case is a resounding YES!

Encouragement, comfort, fellowship and friendship with the Spirit, heart changes that have made me more tender and sympathetic -- these are some of the fruits of belonging to Christ. These things have made an enormous difference in my life.

I can hardly imagine life void of heavenly encouragement and comfort. When I read the paper and feel the hopeless evil that prevails in our world, I am comforted knowing this life isn't where it ends. I am comforted knowing God loves my kids more than I am capable; comfort knowing God is in control and nothing is bigger than him.

Fellowship - the friendship - of belonging to God is more valuable to me than anything. Being able to pour my heart out, the good, the bad and the ugly-- isn't that what everyone wants in a friend? But he's not a fickle, ever changing friend. He is the best friend; always helpful, loving, and faithful. He never rejects me. He has changed me, softened my heart, filled me with compassion and tenderness where there wasn't any.

I think this verse is my directive on what to share with my "pagan" friend. It may be of no consequence to her, but I think it will be good for me to express these things out loud to someone, and a "pagan" seems like a good of a person as any.

Memory Lane

Today Hannah was at a friend's house. I've prayed for this friend often and felt especially compelled to pray for her while Hannah was there. Somehow while I prayed for Kelly, God took me down Memory Lane. It was as though He wanted to encourage me in my praying for her.

I thought of a neighbor from years ago. I prayed for her diligently while we were neighbors. She is a believer now. I had nothing to do with it, she became a believer when we were no longer neighbors. God reminded me that I prayed and she's now a believer.

I thought of Ward. He was out of our lives, so to speak, when he came to Christ. Again I didn't get to play any role in his conversion. I prayed the whole time we knew him that his heart would be softened and be drawn to God. He too is now a believer.

I thought of my girlfriend who lived common-law for years. She said her partner would never marry and had been upfront and clear about that, even after they had a child together. But after 12 years common-law, he decided he wanted to be married, even though he vowed he would never marry again. Again I can't take any credit for words of wisdom that swayed the situation. But I prayed.

My dear friends Wendy & Ed. They entered our lives when she was diagnosed with cancer. I prayed boldly for her healing and I prayed specifically for their salvation. Now they are solidly committed to God and even leaders in their church. I played no role in their mentoring or anything, but prayed diligently.

Then there are *******. There was a time when I pleaded fervently for all of them. I remember the day amazingly well when I prayed, "God, whatever it takes bring **** to You." With clarity, I heard God, not audibly yet very distinctly, say, "Anything Valerie? Anything?" It was so clear in my head that I knew I mustn't answer flippantly. I left that prayer time without answering the question. For over 24 hours I contemplated how bad "anything" could be. Having come up with my verseion of the worst possible thing, I came back to my place of prayer the next day and answered, "Yes Lord, whatever it takes, bring him to You."

How niave I was in my ideas of "anything." In my wildest of imaginings, I never would have known how much "anything" would affect me. But he and his extended family came to God, but I was removed from them by that time.

Recalling these prayers is encouraging. Oh I could recount dozens and dozens of answered prayers, but these particular stories tell of answers to prayers that involve the changing of peoples' wills -- the grandest of all answered prayers, I believe.

This stroll down memory lane in no way gives me the big-head. God took me out of all those relationships before He did His great work. (Perhaps I would have a big-head had I been in the thick of their conversions). I don't even know if my prayers made a difference at all. Perhaps they would have been converted whether I had prayed or not. But one thing I know is this: I got to participate with God in something. Like the kid on the bench at the basketball game who never plays but gets to call himself a team member. I did nothing to change their hearts, to help win the game, but I was there for part of the game. I participated with God by praying.

The take-away value of all these thoughts for me is: Keep praying for Kelly. I may never see her come to Christ, but she may one day, and it will be a really good feeling to again say, I participated in the game. Sure I may have just sat on the bench, but I was on the right team.

Unlikely Sanctuary

Rachael's paper route has become a quality time of communing with God for me. I stay close to her, but I'm in the van with my Bible and notebook. Today I sat on the side of a busy street as she delivered papers to the houses. It was a noisy, unlikely, but effective place to read my Bible. Being alone and able to concentrate made it a little oasis for me. Since the kids have been home for Christmas break, "quiet time" has been hard to come by. So beside the busy street, I revelled in my time.

Sitting there thinking about my "oasis," I remembered a story my pastor in Calgary told. A Chinese man was imprisoned for his faith. Furious that his spirit and will weren't being broken, the guards gave him cesspool duty. He had to clean the community's human waste which collected into a small pond every day. This was, without question, the worst of the prison jobs.

The Christian gentleman was quick to find beauty in the situation. In the solitude of his work -- the cesspool was far removed from the guards or others -- he lifted his voice to sing praises. He sang, "I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses..." Where else could one imprisoned for his faith sing openly? For him, the cesspool became his sanctuary, his place of open worship. The cesspool was his garden, his oasis, his place to openly commune with God.

This story encouraged me 10 years ago and continues to now as I recall it. Any place where one can focus on God can be a garden paradise, be it a busy street or, God forbid, a cesspool of human waste.

Romans 11:33 "How great are his riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his method." Only God can turn a cesspool into a longed for garden.

Finding Without Looking

Romans 10:20 quotes Isaiah 65:1. Isaiah, speaking for God says, "I was found by people who were not looking for me. I showed myself to those who were not asking for me."

Romans 10 is my chapter this month. God uses all sorts of things in my life to point me to truth, to point me to Himself. This verse, every single time I read it, reminds me of the emotions I had when Stephanie was born.

I was in a depressed funk throughout my pregnancy right up to delivery. To my awareness, I was not looking for God, although there clearly was a void in my life. I was totally me-centered, not looking or asking for God's help in my life.

But when Stephanie's warm body was laid in my arms, everything changed: I found God when I was not looking for Him. He showed Himself to me when I didn't even ask. It was a powerful watershed moment, -- profoundly spiritual and emotional. Instantly my hard heart began to crumble and a soft tenderness swelled within me.

Stephanie is nearly 22. I've had 22 years of growing in my faith and God still deals personally and intimately with me. As I read His Word, he makes it personal, continuing to challenge and chasten me. He also envelopes me in his warm tender compassion, just like I did for my baby Stephanie. Stephanie laid still and secure in my arms, trusting and dependent on me. I think there's a picture there of how God wants me to respond to His love.

I've seen how personal and powerful God is. I've been the beneficiary of His kind compassionate mercy, his gentle leading, his burning branding iron, his skillful surgical knife. I've enjoyed the gracious love of my Father and His painful just discipline as well.

Today, I thank Him again for showing Himself to this 19-year-old petulant, demanding depressed paragon of self-centeredness.

And Stephanie, she's still teaching me and pointing me to a loving God who promises to complete the work he's begun in both of us. (Philippians 1:6)

Radical but Simple

In Sunday School class, we broke into small groups to discuss our dreams for making impact in this world. We were admonished to "dream big."

Since the recent publicized Ted Haggard scandal, I've been thinking about Christianity and "bigness." What I've concluded is, perhaps we've missed the boat in thinking God requires (or desires) "big" things from us. Unfortunately, I've not been blessed with the words to verbalize my thoughts. Actually, thus far, I've not even wrapped my mind around my emotions. It's as though there's an emotional stirring saying, "it's not right," but no mental capacity to articulate it yet. So for now, I just chew on the ideas and thoughts that come to me, and they of course are coming in no particular order.

I think of Jesus. He invested heavily in 12 men. He didn't start a mega-church. He lived a close life with 12 others teaching them His ways. Those men went and lived radical lives. From their radical commitment the Christian church was birthed.

I think of Susanna Wesley. She was staunchly committed to mothering her children to be intelligent spiritual people. She gave the world John and Charles who brought thousands and thousands to Jesus.

Nothing in life has led me to believe that I am a John or Charles. Rather I'm a Susanna. My calling is to faithfully do the work (albeit small in the eyes of "big" dreamers) he has so clearly sat before me.

A while back a lady very gently chided and questioned me for bringing 5 children into the world. "It's a horrible place. Why would you want to bring innocent people into it?," she asked.

I responded, "You're right. It can be a horrible horrible place. But because I'm committed to the task, I have a wonderful opportunity and privilege to deposit something good here. If I do my job well, this world will be better off because of my deposit."

I think of the things I know I'm to do. My calling, my purpose in life is to live a Godly life of compassion and kindness; to live socially responsible, considering the people of the entire planet, not just myself. Where I purposefully live in a way that doesn't hurt the weak in society, especially those in underdeveloped countries; where I resist commercialism and greed; where I resist the urge to fight for my rights, rather choose to defer.

Kindness is a loftier goal than impact, and kindness produces impact, perhaps not to masses, but to the one benefiting from my kindness.

I think of my mom. She has a neighbor in financial difficulties eat with them nearly daily. I am so impressed with that. Dynamic? No. Meaningful? Absolutely. I want to live this kind of life. Simple, but very purposeful and meaningful.

Doing something "big" for God doesn't always look dynamic. Dynamic is the exception, not the rule. Faithfulness in the day to day mundane routine of life brings Jesus to the world more successfully than the dynamo who reaches masses. Thank God for the dynamos like Charles and John, but I must remember that without Susanna's commitment to godly mothering, Charles and John wouldn't have been.

During Sunday School, conversation eventually revealed that nearly the entire class was thinking similar thoughts to mine. In our closing prayer one prayed that God would help us live "radical but simple lives." I loved the expression. Radical but simple! That is my desire.

Expressions of God's Grace

This morning I woke still mad at my husband over a tiff last night. My feelings were hurt and I was nursing a grudge. As I sat down to read my Bible, I asked God to help me forgive and to encourage me from His word. I felt like God sat down beside me on the sofa as I read these words from Joel 2:23, "Rejoice in the Lord your God! For the rains he sends are an expression of his grace. Once more the autumn rains will come, as well as the rains of spring. The threshing floors will again be piled high with grain and the presses will overflow with wine and olive oil."

Peace in my home and in my heart, a good marriage, wonderful days of productivity and joy, they are all expressions of God grace. I paused a few moments to soak up the encouragement; that all these things are expressions of God's grace. I repeated it several times to myself. Then I read some more. Verse 25 continued to encourage me: "I will give you back what you lost."

Just because I'm having a bad day, I tend to get so focused on the "badness" of my life and feel hopeless. But not today, at least not now. This time God used the book of Joel to tell me the good things in my life are all expressions of His grace and the good will return.

Circumcision

The Bible speaks a lot about circumcision. I've often found myself annoyed and kind of embarrassed by it. Annoyed mostly by the fact I didn't understand what the big deal was. Embarrassed because, well, just because.

Recently though, I'm starting to "get it." I'm sure it's much deeper than I grasp, but I'm grasping a whole lot more than I have before.

The physical sons of Abraham were circumcised by the cutting off of the foreskin which they deemed filthy and unclean. This physical act of obedience was proof they were Jews, children of Abraham. It was also an act of worship, an act of obedience to God.

In the New Testament, after the death and resurrection of Jesus, circumcision became a spiritual matter. Circumcision was still preached, but it was a spiritual circumcision rather than a physical one. Still it was an act of cutting off filth and uncleanness, but this time spiritually rather than physically. True circumcision in the New Testament context is worshipping God. It has nothing to do with my effort, but rather the saving work of Jesus who by His Spirit cuts off my uncleanness.

Just as physical circumcision identified one as a son of Abraham, our spiritual circumcision is proof that we are children of God.

Cutting off filth and uncleanness, can easily be interpreted as my work; me trying to do good and not do bad. But my work is dependent on my strength. Philippians 3:3, "For we who worship God in Spirit are the only ones who are truly circumcised. We put no confidence in human effort. Instead, we boast about what Christ has done for us."

It is incredibly easy to rely on my own strength to do right. Philippians 3:9, "I no longer count on my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God's way of making us right with Himself depends on faith."

A cynic would say that this interpretation would mean I can do what I want to do because it's all the work of Jesus. But I've noticed in the Bible that there is not one example of a person being saved and remaining unchanged. If one has the Holy Spirit within, change is inevitable. But that change is a work of the Holy Spirit, not self.

Enough

Proverbs 10:22 "The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow with it."

I am rich, very very rich. Our bank account sometimes looks scary, braces for Rachael have us strapped, and school tuition bites us every month. But I am rich. Richer than most, I think. I have a thankful heart. Most people live in a perpetual state of want. In other countries - and many folk right here in my country - people want for food, shelter, basic necessities. Here in greedy North America, we are constantly wanting another thing to add to our bulging accumulation of stuff that makes us feel better about ourselves.

I find myself wanting more stuff often. I'm no different than any one else. I like nice things. I like to impress others too. But I realize that I don't need more. If God chose to never give me another extra in life, I recognize I'd still have a better life than most people I share this planet with.

My friends are huge consumers. Their consumerism clouds their vision. They can't see their houses packed (cluttered?) with every imaginable extra for the desire for more. Very seriously, I have been asked, "How can you live without_____?" (Fill in the blank. It's been a number of things.) Their lives are so much more complex than my own and I watch them and thank God for my simple, thankful life. My life is not complex and I think that makes me very rich.

Yesterday I had a wonderful day. I was basking in simple blessings that cost me nothing. At work, I picked up my "project" fabric and supplies for 2 of my girls' snazzy sweatsuits for Christmas. They will love them and the fleece and supplies are simply perks for working at my store. I felt so blessed.

In the mail I received a book that had one of my devotions printed in it. A collection from "women who listen to God." I was again blessed. When my life is simple and thankful, it takes very little to feel blessed.

We have fallen for such a lie of the devil. We think we need more all the time. Will we ever have enough? Consumerism and greed are never sated without a fight.

Proverbs 30:8,9 "Give me neither poverty nor riches! Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, "Who is the Lord?" And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God's holy name." Enough is when we are neither rich or poor. What a blessed place to be and recognize it.

Ted Haggard

"Defend the Bible? I would just as soon defend a lion. Just turn
the Bible loose. It will defend itself." Charles H. Spurgeon

I've been so bothered by the Ted Haggard scandal. Perhaps not the way one might think. I wake several times a night to pray for his family. The feelings of shame he must feel facing his wife and children must be enormous. Frankly I'm very impressed with how he has handled it. It has given me confidence in his faith.

Christians are no different than anyone else in the temptation/sin department. We struggle, we war within ourselves, we justify. Ted said in his letter to his congregation that he'd experience times of victory over his temptations, then fall again. That so resonates with me. My sin is gluttony. To an onlooker that may be a silly comparison, but it's an area I've had victory over, then have fallen into again and again. Because I fall so easily and so quickly back into my sin patterns, I can totally identify with Ted in the victory/sin pendulum. Only because my sin isn't one that deals enormous loads of shame to others, is my present state any different than his. Because of my own "on-the-wagon, off-the-wagon" sin patterns, I can feel enormous empathy for him. Circumstances alone separate my condition from Ted's. Perhaps I would do something just as vile and hypocritical were I in his shoes. I can only thank God I've never been in Ted's shoes.

I went to the Colorado Springs newspaper yesterday and read some of the comments from the locals regarding the scandal. My heart was so heavy afterwards. Ted was bashed frontwards, backwards, and sidewards. Christianity was accosted. God was mocked. A couple well-meaning Christians got caught in the web of trying to defend and sympathize with Ted's condition. I personally find it a losing battle and one that Christians should avoid. The Bible is complex for a believer. We have to weigh verses against one another trying to understand the will of God. Galations comes to mind: We are told to "bear one another's burdens" and "carry our own burdens" within such a short amount of space. Sometimes we are left with "huh?" It requires context and enormous attention to the spirit of the word to grasp it. How on earth can we expect a non-believer to understand our guide-book when those of us who read it regularly grapple with so many seemingly unclear passages?

1 Corinthians 1:18: "For the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." We are expecting too much when we want the ungodly to understand the scriptures. They cannot and will not understand it as anything except foolishness.

Telling an unbeliever, as one well meaning Christian did in the Colorado Springs newspaper, that one sin is no worse than another in the eyes of God is bound to be ludicrous. Comparing Ted's hypocrisy and homosexual acts with my gluttony is silly to someone who hasn't read the Bible as the inspired Word of God.

To the world, our faith is foolishness. Our reliance on the Bible for our guidelines for living is silly. We cannot explain it to those without the Holy Spirit within them. ONLY the Holy Spirit can reveal it to a person.

I loved what the Associate Pastor of New Life Church said on Sunday after reading Ted's letter. It was something like this: "We are hurting more than we were last week. But we are healthier than we were last week." Amen and amen.

In the Secret

In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there
In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait
Only for You
'Cause I want to know You more.

I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward
Pushing every hindrance aside
Out of my way
'Cause I want to know You more

That song is the reasoning behind the name of this blog - quiet and still. This blog is where I flush out thoughts that help me know Him more.